I have been feeling very sad about this world’s way of dealing with the sorrow and pain of others, when we are in a good place and others are suffering.
Unfortunately, it took my becoming one of those suffering people, to realize what others go through.
Has anyone ever seen the movie, “Changing Lanes?” The general plot is about how some event occurring, can change a person’s entire life. Of course it begins with changing a lane, and an accident and so forth, but the title “Changing Lanes” is a metaphor for what happens to the people in the movie.
In 2008, and 2009, I lost one home and a business, and then I lost the other home I was going to retire in. I had not saved for anything else but those two properties, because I believed nothing could ever happen to real estate. When I began losing everything, without ever experiencing such devastation, I did not know what to do or from who to ask for help. I only knew I had to somehow gather strength to stop the financial tsunami I was experiencing.
So here it was: In the economic downturn, I got sideswiped and forced to change lanes with devastating results. From a life of ease and middle class comfort, I drove into a life of devastation, and slowly became a member of the poorest population in our society.
Did anyone in my line of profession come to help? No. I struggled for about two years moving, renting here and there, attempting to go back to school, thinking that would help me get a teaching job, while going to work for another broker, hoping to make ends meet that way.
Guess what… a famous corporation of real estate motivators called TOM FERRY, sued me during this time, because they could not find my 3-day right of refusal when I changed my mind in giving them money for exhorbitant priced training, that I realized I would not be able to afford in my desperate frame of mind. Since I moved around so much, I could not find my copy, and when I asked at work if they had a copy they had already disposed of OTHER people’s faxes, so I had no proof.
Consequently, I was forced to claim Bankruptcy; a situation I promised myself earlier in my life I would NEVER do. During all this time, during this harrowing economic crises, this big organization decided to sue someone like me, who was already drowning. This is why I very carefully choose who I trust in the real estate business, and the TOM FERRY ORGANIZATION IS ONE NOT TO TRUST.
But going back to those nightmarish years, I was losing my home and had to live in a motel for a while until I got through my bankruptcy and began over again, I began to reassess the meaning of life and purpose, of significance, and so on, but this came very slowly… try: 10 years. I had ups and downs, distractions, bypasses, forks in the rooads, so many upheavels, it is too painful even to remember, but i have to, because remembering all this has brought me to a place, but we’ll get to that.
I claimed that for ten years I was in Moses’ desert, groping, feeling devastated and disillusioned. I burned out, lost what little self-esteem I had left, felt incurably angry all the time, experienced the worst self-hatred, depression, whatever you can think of to name, I went through all of it. I drank too much, smoked too much, and sat in front of the television watching movies that helped make me cry, because that was all I was doing anyway.
It was as if I had stuck my head (metaphorically speaking) in the sand like an ostrich, pretending nothing was happening, but my life was a trip to hell. It brought me to where I am now: physically ill.
It seems today, my mind is trying to get up, but my body keeps pulling me back down. I watched a number of videos today, because I could not walk; I have these bouts of pain that cripples me for a couple days, then I (hopefully) bounce back after rest.
Anyway, I watched these videos, and I think I sometimes watch them because I am looking for help and hope. There are times when I reach anxiety levels that drive me to fear in high gear. Homeless has always been one of my fears, since I came from acute poverty as a child.
Getting older, and/or getting sick, is a fact of life. But being prepared for getting older and getting sick, is a choice in life. Consequences reflect one’s choices. This is part One of many reflections to come, I’m sure. For now though, let me start my series here, by showing you one of those videos I watched today while I was recuperating.
This is what I was obsessing with today, because I am in constant need of help with my pets and household chores, and simultaneously trying to work from home. Whenever I get into these “scrapes” of health deterioration, I get desperate to find help emotionally. I think because I feel a lot of guilt for my illness, and my husband who is healthy seems agitated with me having to ask him for help.