Here we are again, and believe me, I wish I did not have to make it sound the way it sounds, but it is exactly as you might think: boredom of the grind.
Yes, that’s right. The emotions (or lack thereof) of the world around me, and the incessant influx of technological, robotic babble is finally getting the best of me–today.
Although it is impossible to create a difference on my own, by myself, without the help and organization of a myriad of people with the same purpose, finding those people, and deciphering their limitations and capacities for the long haul, is a seditious activity in itself, let alone, finding anyone who has the same specificities of natural born gifts and talents, and weaknesses, as oneself.
Hence, I find myself back in the grind of letting life happen to me, and not the reverse. It is an accepted notion that one must procced in the act that will keep one going; to “plug on, ‘ol chap” and continue, if one is to make a difference in the world. Yet, what difference does one make? To explain my question, consider envisioning a knitted quilt, with a tiny strand torn in one tiny spot, that causes the quilt not to be “whole.” That is where I am today. First, a short history of me.
I became a high school graduate when I was 16. With not a method or procedure to follow; with not an inkling of guidance, I chose to listen to those closest to me, who were the only sets of influences I had: my mother and father. Not that parents aren’t knowledgeable or wise in their own circle of life, but if they have not been the kind of people who ever functioned in the average American workforce, or they are foreign to this American economy, or they have had a lot of misery coming from another country to this one, which they cannot even imagine as to, how to function well in it: well, they may not be the best choice to guide a child into the areas in which that child might have options in this American Dream of a country. But some children do exactly as their parents seem to be telling them.
So, considering the source, you will understand when I acted eventually on the backward compliments and advice, to “Make a difference! You can do anything you want. Just don’t go anywhere with strangers, and don’t hang with people who are in music or art, since they don’t have REAL jobs, and don’t go out at night late, and don’t move away far from us, because you might get DEAD! Just do something significant… like get married, make babies, be a mommy, and get a job.” In that order, mind you. Nonetheless, having graduated so young, I proceeded toward the only instruction I had. By thirty, I began to wonder what was going on. By forty, I was struggling to graduate from college, and by fifty, I was beginning to think I had been steered wrong, for by then, I had racked up a good amount of student loans and education, but still did not have that job I thought I would be able to get once I got the education.
As anyone knows, a teenager, having become a wife and mother before her twenties, is a young and overwhelmed child, who cannot see beyond the day in which she lives; each day, filled with diapers, baby food and formula, measles and whooping cough, clothes washing, cleaning and cooking. It helps if she doesn’t smoke or drink, but it’s not guaranteed she will have time enough at all, to THINK about her next move into the world of recognition. RECOGNITION: did I just say that? Was that a true Fruedian slip? Because that is really what it’s all about, isn’t it? We all want recognition. We all want to be seen, known, and accepted for who we are, and why we are the way we are.
When I was a child, I remember my mother reading Bible stories to me. One story caught my attention and kept on catching it. It was a passage that has baffled me for years. The narrative depicts a mental scene where God is stationed in his place, seat or something like a rested area, and the angels (including this devil character) come before the Great throne of God, and every one of the angels present themselves to God. Each one, each angel’s presentation before God is like the highlight of heaven; they get to be seen, known, and understood for who they are and why they are the way they are.
I remember most about the conversation God was having with the devil, regarding what the devil wanted to do with a piddly person God had created; I think it was Job–but remember: it’s the lesson, not the actual conversation. Anyway, the devil was talking to God like some kind of real estate agent, selling God on the idea that he was concerned with God’s feelings toward those he created because the devil felt like God was giving them way too much advocacy and admiration. Thus, the devil explained to God why he wanted to shake things up a bit, for this guy Job, to prove to God that by “rocking the boat” the man would not be a fan of God’s any longer. What this devil character (and a sly one at that) was trying to do was to lead God to the devil’s premise: You’re giving them way too much attention, and I am going to prove to you that they aren’t worth it.
That is an interesting story to any child, but what I got stuck on, and how it fascinated me beyond any other thought, was: why did the angels come one by one before God, as if they were all trying out for some kind of audition or something? This scene stuck with me for years and years.
Now that I am well into life, I think again, about that scene. What was God thinking in all this? Was it a standard he was setting with his creatures? Was it a creative signature he wanted them to acknowledge about him (or her)? Or was God trying to teach us how to interact and assess on our behalf–how to take responsibility for our own behaviors? This sounds like Psych 101. Since God was the maker, anything or anyone made by God had to be beholden to God, right? So I think about people, right here, on earth.
Every child born, is in need of attention. They cry for milk, changing, and just to be cooed. Then they get older, and they cry for toys, and the need for us to furnish them with playmates and food and drink and attention … you got it: attention. Then, they get older, and they vye for attention again! But now, from the teacher, and if they don’t get it in a good way, rest assured they’ll get it in a bad way: they will become the class terror. Then, they get older, and parents just don’t do it for them anymore: they want to go higher up in the authority level of love and life. They begin to look for someone to give them the love and affection they need as they begin teen-aging–yes, the pleasure dome: sex. But not just sex: attention–OH! There’s that word again. Then, they look for a permanent partner to seek out a life of attention, love, affection and remuneration: all part and parcel of that same need: to be SEEN, KNOWN, and ACCEPTED for WHO THEY ARE, and WHY THEY DO WHAT THEY DO. Now the greedy, nasty corporate world has taken that innate need and capitalized on it, from foods, to fantasies, to froth-making imbibments. That is another story for another day. Suffice to say, we never get enough of the need, because those instant pleasures disappate after awhile and we find ourselves once again, needing…. the same old need: Attention.
The angels before God, wanted to be SEEN, and so forth… The people before parents, teachers, lovers, all want to be SEEN, et. al…. The dumb shows we watch, the singing, the dancing, the arguments, the relationships in households, in locations, in economic levels, all are vying for TV time so that you will watch them instead of the other channels, because they want to be SEEN, etc., and so forth, ad nauseum…
There is a very strange phenomena going on within human beings. The harder life gets, the greater the need to be …. you know…attended to…
Each and every one of us, yes, we need to be acknowledged by some kind of authority, and we need it consistently, and constantly, or we get very lonely inside ourselves. People need people: to encourage each other, to talk to one another, to inspire each other, and to love each other, but still: we each need to be acknowledged individually, too. We all want to be KNOWN. So we do whatever it takes to get to that place that is most pleasureable… We are known and loved for who we are, and we are understood in what we do, and why. See how that works?
Why else do you think the Christian God has affected so many human beings throughout time, enough that they would even die for, give up comfort, and take on complete advocacy, to Jesus, the Hebrew Christ, who said: “Come unto me and I will give you rest…” (attention), and “In my Father’s house, there are many mansions. I go and prepare a place for you, so that where I am, there you may be also.” (acceptance.)
Everyone wants a place, everyone wants to be seen, and everyone wants to be KNOWN, for who they are, what they feel…
And here is my segue to another, and a very contradictory side of that whole issue.
In our modern day, even in our stupid TV advertisements, corporate marketing wars that shove in our faces ads for cars, clothes, and especially pharmecuticals, we are being told to stop wanting attention! Do not “laugh” inappropriately, or “cry” inappropriately, stop getting depressed and so “take this little pill, and it will stop your incessant and inappropriate emotional outbursts for attention.” Oh please!! What is this world coming to, “1984” in 2014? (a bit delayed, but anyhow…)
We are heading to a worldwide emotional breakdown, and it has to do with the powers that be, who want to keep us all at the bottom rung of their made up hierarchy. They want to keep the masses quiet and unseen, unknown, and expendable; needed only for any of the dirty work that need be done, then go back silently into your cubby, or get back into your drab shell, and shut up, until we call you again. We musn’t make waves or show any signs of dissatisfaction. We mustn’t be obstinate, or have our own creativity or mind for thoughts of equal or more sensible ways to encompass and enlighten and encourage every single living soul on earth–that does not fit with the objective; the Objective is we need workhorses to carry the kings and queens of Wall Street or any other such rediculously man-made way to suck in as much sensual pleasure for those uppities as we can.
Yes. I am bored with the grind. I am stimied and wondering what it is I need to do, and why I am sharing this world with these horrendously selfish, evil human beings that connive their way into every poor person’s pocketbooks, by using the FAKE–yes, FAKE pull that they will give you the attention you need: with drugs, drink, food, sex, and dreary cybersocieties. Should I get attention by going to some theater and shooting everyone in sight? Should I go strangle my husband, my children, my pets? Should I just leave a pitiful note of sorrow, and commit suicide? NO!!!
What do I do to make life good for me, in my little square or patch of a life. AND! In the act of this doing, how can I make it equally as good for everyone else? Is there something I can do to make life better? For all of us?
Here is what I have decided to do today. First, I am going to think of everything I do as qualitative, not quantitative. I will start with a physical aspect: breakfast. I will make me a breakfast I would serve to my best best friend, even perhaps what I would serve to God: one beautifully fluffed egg, cooked in REAL butter, and slathered with avocado. Then, I will make an English muffin, and a nice hot cup of coffee, I will not worry that I will get fat and never look as skeletal as Angelina Jolie, nor will I ever be the poster child for Forbes best and riches human beings alive today. Instead, I will eat this very slow, and comfortable, in the quiet of my room, while looking at my writing, and editing. Then, I will take my two little doggies for a walk to check in the mailbox for any mail I may have gotten, and I will stop a few times to smell the flowers, smile at passersby, and gaze at the trees, maybe I will take a second walk and take pictures on my little camera. Soon after that, I will take some time to finish my novel, and then read someone else’s work, intermittently visiting friends and dear people on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Tumblr, or whichever I can. If there is any possibility for helping someone (like the phone call I just had, listening to someone who was having a hard time with a friend), or giving a blanket or two to a person I saw on the way to the store (I keep in my car).
And finally, I will stop, and praise the day. I think because I was feeling quite bored of the grind, that was my way of saying I needed some attention. And do you know what? I got some…from me. If I keep cognizant of every move I make, and assess the thoughts I entertain, I will give that attention I so badly need, to myself.
Many of you may not believe in God, and that’s okay. I happen to believe there is some kind of power beyond me, and why I chose Christianity was merely because I felt it had more alignments with me than any other belief system. But for us all, whether we believe in a higher power or the Christian God, or Buddha, or Nothing, we must realize that the attention we seek is within. As an added feature for me, I take pleasure in the idea that God is looking upon me, saying, “that is exactly what I thought you would do, because I KNOW you, and am SEEING you right now, and I KNOW WHO YOU ARE and WHY YOU DO WHAT YOU DO.” And suddenly, amidst the tears of losing my boredom in exchange for acceptance of myself and my lot in life, I feel happy.
I ALLOW MYSELF TO FEEL the happy emotions because I am understood–By God and by my own self, and especially I know myself, and why I am who I am and why I do what I do. At the risk of sounding complex, I must say that the most satisfying pleasure to to consider the words of Shakespeare: “To thine own self, be true…” There is a very real and deep meaning to that statement. In my very sensitive soul, the girl who cries over nearly every movie I see, every pet or animal that I contemplate has a goal or journey, having to deal with perhaps the best (or worst) owner; for every child or adult that I know must walk their walk, talk their talk, and act upon what they have understood to be the issue, because they are seeking–as I am–what best to do and be and how to live and love, and keep from losing their way to their end, especially when they may have cruddy people or interactions that depress them… For all these factors whirling around me, I am feeling quite enraptured by the idea that I am alive, and I am given license to care for ME, to do the best I can WITH ME, to live and to love every human being I can, as BEST I can, as well as every creature who breathes, including plants! I am ecstatic to know that I can make a difference in the world after all…by making a difference in ME. And if every single living soul had that outlook, think of how we can change the world–REALLY.
We are once again into this fine Monday morning, and a new week before the next weekend! Thank goodnss, we’re all alive and well… er… most of us. I am sorry to hear that Tracy Morgan may not agree with us, nor can he be as enthusiastic.